Greer's Ramblings

The Primrose, August 2010

[Sorry about the delay in getting this posted, another sad case of CRS]

Hello again dear reader. You may recall from last month’s Ramblings that this year’s Be All left me with the realization that I felt differently about the experience than I had in previous years. Well, I have since come to realize that this feeling of change in myself is impacting much more than just my time at Be All.

Many of our sisters and brothers have talked and written about being transgendered as a journey. I find this to be a very pleasant analogy (or is it a metaphor?). I picture beautiful cruise ships starting at different ports, cruising through countless islands, making calls at many exotic ports, and all heading for different destinations. And there we are, enjoying on-board entertainment as we cruise, exploring new islands when we are docked, eating and drinking and dancing and partying and occasionally leaning over the rail to feed the fish. We may share parts of our journeys with others. Perhaps we meet old or new friends from other ships while in port. Some may decide to enjoy a prolonged stay at a particularly appealing port. It is lovely to picture myself on a beautiful trans-tropical island, wearing a flowered sarong and a gorgeous hibiscus flower in my hair (which has magically become long and full). Sigh.

Sorry, I think I drifted away there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, the journey. My point is that my cruise ship seems to be cruising to a new port. During a recent dinner with Audrey and Sarah, it was noted that Sarah’s journey has come a long way in a fairly short period of time (I think her cruise ship is a speedboat). Sarah acknowledged that she has changed a great deal during the last year, but she also stated that I have changed during that time too. Really? This definitely gave me pause. (How do you give pause? Should it be accompanied by a gift card?)

[pause]

I realize that she was correct. All the times that I was pushing Sarah to go places and do things, I was there too. In amongst all of the fun times and experiences that helped Sarah bring her true self out into the light, I was finding out more about myself too. And what did I find out? I see you cringing and wondering what that crazy Greer is going to say now, but have no fear. I have not decided to denounce my transness, take testosterone boosters, and become a Sarah Palin supporter. No, what I found out about myself are either things that I have pretty much known all long, or that just indicate I have cruised on to a new port.

First, I love my spouse. You are probably tired of hearing that she is my best friend and the most important person in the world to me, but it is true. Time with her is precious to me, even if all we are doing is watching a Friday night movie on television and eating pizza.

Second, I am somewhere in the middle of the infamous gender spectrum. I wish I would have been born girl, I should have been born a girl, but I was not. Furthermore, I cannot honestly say that I am a female trapped in a male body. My innermost self, my soul if you prefer, has elements of male and female. Of course society has conspired to keep the female elements confined for much of my life, and I believe I would be happy to live out the remainder of that life as a female with the male elements neatly put away.

Third, and somewhat a continuation of the previous point, I am not happy with presenting myself in an androgynous way. When presenting as male, I do so fully. I do not underdress (wear femme foundation garments under male clothing), although I have done so occasionally in the past. Granted, I prefer a male look that is a bit softer and certainly not macho. Likewise, when presenting as female, I do so fully.

Fourth, and again building from point 2, my happiness and sanity continue to require that I be able to express the feminine part of my soul on a regular basis. There may come a day when I can put these female elements quietly away, but that day has not yet arrived. Frankly, I hope it never comes. I would rather put the male elements away, but that just is not as likely.

Fifth, real Champagne is wonderful. It is so much more rich and interesting than the domestic counterparts. Sure this has nothing to do with anything else, but my mind wandered and these are my Ramblings after all!

So now I have laid bare my thoughts about myself, but what does it all mean? What has really changed in the last year? As I sit here wondering the same thing, I realize that the biggest change is not any of the things I said above. Nope. Sorry to have wasted your time there. Tut tut. Carrying on.

I think the biggest change is that I do not think nearly as much about dressing as I used to. A year or two ago, I would spend hours thinking about an upcoming opportunity to dress and go out. I would mull over the clothes I was going to wear and how I was going to look. While I was out, I was almost constantly aware of being out in public en femme. Now I seem to be focused more on who I am with, where we are and what we are doing. Certainly the clothes still matter, and I am just as concerned about looking good (or as good as I can look) as ever before. I suppose I am more confident, more comfortable, more at ease with who I am and how I appear.
Hey now, is that the ship’s horn sounding? Are we entering a new port of call? Come on, let’s go explore!
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I will freely admit that I have had a fondness for skirts as long as I can remember. I like dresses also, but they tend to be a lot more tricky to fit to my non-femme body. Anyway, it may be a new blouse that I need, or a pair of shoes, but I always end up looking at skirts. Recently someone asked me how many skirts I own. Hmm, I found that I did not have an answer. I slipped away and went to do a count. I was somewhat surprised to find that I had 49. While 49 is a very nice number (7 squared you know), I strongly felt that an even 50 would be much nicer. But then I remembered, I had purchased a new skirt the day before and had not even hung it in my closet yet (out of skirt hangers you see). So I did (and I do) have 50 skirts. Too many? Can a t-girl have too many skirts? Let me just take a look at what is on sale at Target today!
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Having gotten this far through my column this month you may well be asking yourself, “will it be fair to the trash to wrap it in this garbage?” Either that or, “Greer, when are you going to tell us about your latest adventures?” The true of the matter is that adventures have been in short supply since Be All. Point #1 above (love my wife, all that stuff) has actually caused me to pass up some opportunities I would not have missed before.

I cancelled out on plans to ride on the CGS float in the Pride Parade. Thanks to the wonderful coverage provided by channel 7, I got to experience the first third of the parade, or at least what could be seen of the first third over the heads of the commentators while they blathered on about this and that. Of course they pack up and go home before the majority of the parade passes by, including the beautiful CGS float with its cargo of gorgeous friends.

Likewise, I passed on the First Annual CGS/Equality Illinois BBQ on the roof at Sidetrack. This one was really tempting. I like Sidetrack, and Katie Thomas promised in her column last month that the place would be simply crawling with admirers (you do know I enjoy admirers). However, in addition to taking time away on a Saturday night, the BBQ was during the heat of the day (OK, not the middle of the day, but is was over 90!). I just do not do heat very well, and the darling admirers probably would not have had any interest in a little puddle of Greer after I melted down.

I did enjoy meeting with our support group early in the month along with our traditional stop for post-meeting drinks at Rock Bottom. I also attended the CGS meeting where Dr. Campbell talked about voice training.

But the highlight of the month was going out for dinner with Audry and Sarah. We went to Houlihan’s in Schaumburg, and had a delightful time. Nothing extraordinary. Just three gals having dinner together. Delightful.
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I removed my brain from my head, I twisted it like a wet sponge, but that is all that I could squeeze out. Perhaps it is the weather. Or the economy. Or the fact that I still have not won the lottery (still have not purchased a ticket either, so it probably is a very long shot).
Before I close, I would like to ask you do something. Well, 2 somethings actually. Do something nice for yourself. You deserve it. Then do something nice for a friend. They deserve it too.
See you next month!
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Hugs,Greer
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Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Please send to me at greercd@hotmail.com.