Ramble (from Merriam-Webster Online): “(1a) to walk aimlessly from point to point, (1b) to explore idly, (2) to talk or write in a desultory or long-winded wandering fashion, (3) to grow or extend irregularly.”
Don’t you just hate articles that start off with a definition? Sorry about that, but it makes me feel that at least I have some grammatical legitimacy, even if my abilities as a writer are questionable. Regardless of how you feel about the literary ploy, let us briefly consider why I have chosen to call this column “Ramblings”.
Part 1a of the definition of ramble doesn’t really apply. Especially when wearing high heels, walking aimlessly is something I don’t tend to do. Of course walking around Hunters showing off a short skirt isn’t really aimless now is it? It certainly has a purpose, but perhaps this isn’t the time or place to discuss that.
Now part 1b, to “explore idly”, is more like it. I certainly don’t have any grand plan for what this column might contain in any given month. In fact, I frequently have no idea what it will contain even as I’m writing. Who knows when something totally unexpected will pop “Frosted Flakes” up. See what I mean? So my own plan is to idly explore whatever pops into my head. If we’re all lucky, it will have some relevance and be at least mildly interesting. Of course I’m not making any promises.
If part 1b defined the what, part 2 hits the how nail right on the head, especially the part about being long-winded. I am of an age where I have gained a fair amount of life experience. And, like many of us in the “my AARP card is yellowed with age” club, I figure it is my duty to share those experiences with young whippersnappers even if it kills them from boredom. By the way, and to prove the point, a whippersnapper is defined as a diminutive, insignificant, or presumptuous person. Oddly, it came from the word “snippersnapper” the origin of which is unknown, but which just had to be uttered by someone with a great deal of life experience, and very little humor. “Damn little snippersnapper!”
Then there is part 3 of the definition of ramble. Frankly, I’m not sure I want to explore how the concept of “growing or extending irregularly” might apply to me or this column. Instead, I shall allow my idle exploration to change topics entirely.
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Happy New Year! Have you made any resolutions for 2009? Normally I avoid such commitments that I know are doomed to failure from the start. Agreeing to write this column for example. I just know the pressure of having to write something every month is going to drive me to drink. Hmm. I guess it’s a good cause after all.
Anyway, like 95% of the people reading this, I have placed “Go on diet/lose weight” as #1 on my list of resolutions. Actually, it’s the only thing on the list so far, so I thought I should consider some other very personal and intimate things. And what better place to consider personal and intimate things than in a column that is likely to be perused by millions of strangers. Well, maybe tens of my favorite people. So here goes.
Go on a diet/lose weight – I suspect that anyone who sells prenumbered New Years resolution paper could preprint this one in slot #1. I don’t remember anyone ever saying, “Yeah, I gotta gain me some weight next year. I damn near blew away in that last big windstorm.” Of course there are you crazies out there who run marathons and have the slim bodies and great legs to prove it (you know who you are), and the rest of us would like to see you gain a lot of weight this year.
Always take purse out of car before locking it – It was a fun new experience to deal with an Auto Club tow truck driver while dressed. I’m only sorry I was wearing jeans instead of a cute mini. It would have been interesting to see if I could distract the driver from the task of breaking into my car. Of course it was cold and sleeting at the time, so it was probably for the best.
Go to new places while dressed – While I would like to expand my list of comfortable “T-friendly” places, what I’m talking about here is trying new categories of places. These don’t have to be exotic. Things like grocery stores, movie theaters, and dry cleaners would all work. Although some out-of-the-ordinary places might be fun like the county morgue, a Friends of Blagojevich fundraiser, or maybe a monster truck rally.
Improve femme voice – Even when I concentrate on it, I don’t do a very good job with this. I generally start a sentence in a soft, sing-song, semi-feminine voice, but by the end of the sentence I’ve lost my concentration and I’m back down in my usual deeper, louder, semi-masculine voice. It tends to make small children cry.
Organize closet/drawers – Several months ago, I was granted the right to move my femme wardrobe out of a duffle bag and a box and into the closet and the dresser in the bedroom. In this case, being in the closet was a great improvement. Suddenly it was possible to see my collection of miniskirts without having to throw them all onto the bed. Dresses and blouses could remain relatively wrinkle-free by virtue of being on hangers. There was even a shelf for my wigs on foam heads. I had reached crossdresser Nirvana! Of course we all know that nature abhors a vacuum, so it became critical that I buy more clothes to fill every possible inch of closet and drawer space. And now? Well tempting as it is to send all of my boy clothes to Goodwill, I really do need to organize things a bit. Perhaps if I put my boy clothes in a duffel bag?
Win a large lottery – I think I could live out my life comfortably with just $2 million, but this would not be luxury living and the benefits would really be limited to, well to me. Now with $20 million, I could provide a small stipend to other members of the family, and I could live closer to the style that I was born to enjoy. $200 million should provide a decent living for me, a greater level of generosity for the family, and perhaps even some philanthropic pursuits. Perhaps as much as a one-year membership in CGS for a deserving t-person! $2 billion would get me onto the list of the 500 wealthiest people in the world (near the bottom). I could probably support the whole family and throw a nice little party for all my friends at CGS. Heck, I could probably even buy myself a Senate seat and walk into the Senate chamber wearing a killer mini!
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Speaking of wearing pants . . . yes, actually I was in item #2 above. Since we form a very cerebral and introspective group, I’m sure you know all of the deeply philosophical questions like, “if a tree falls in the woods and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?” I think these questions also include those about the Pope’s religious practices, a bear’s personal habits, and possibly something about being glad that cows don’t fly, but I digress (ramble?).
As a person who is generally a crossdresser (as opposed to a
Now for me (as opposed to self or I, who are now sulking and refuse to talk to me), it is much less fun to wear pants than to wear a skirt or a dress. Of course my loyal readers (who are all known to be certifiable) also know that for me it is much less fun to wear a longer dress or skirt than to wear a shorter dress or skirt, but that isn’t the question before us now. Nevertheless, wearing pants should certainly be a fashion option for the well-rounded crossdresser (regardless of where the rounded places are and whether the are purchased or naturally occurring). However, to be properly considered appropriate for the MTF crossdresser, the pants in question must meet certain criteria:
They can’t have been purchased in the men’s or boy’s department. You might be able to fool some observers with those tight, designer jeans made for men when you don a wig, heels and a cute sweater, but deep inside you’ll know.
If they are jeans, they must be skin-tight from the waist to the knee. Oh, a reminder here, the wearer should be sure to tuck to avoid questions about that growth on the upper thigh. A GG may wear loose jeans, but that’s only because they are crossdressing themselves in boy clothes. We must resist the temptation to pass by presenting ourselves as girls who are presenting as boys. Down that road lies madness.
If they are jeans, they must have femme touches. For example, cute designs on the back pockets, or jewels and studs arranged in a heart shape or spelling out “Property of the Hell’s Angels”. This requirement can also me met by sticking with “lowest rise” jeans and wearing a black thong and a crop top, but this is a very advanced move and not for the indecisive (or for plumbers).
If they are slacks, they must be part of an “outfit”. It is a known fact that men do not wear “outfits”, so pants that are part of an “outfit” are automatically given the presumption of being femme. As I understand it, if the top and bottom are made of the same material, it’s an “outfit”. Apparently this stricture doesn’t apply to men’s suits, but we’ll ignore that for now.
They must be worn with heels, or other obviously femme shoes. Strictly as a safety issue, a winter season exception will be granted to allow the wearing of androgynous boots. However, this exception only applies if the pants are of the “skinny” variety and are tucked into the tops of the boots.
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I was checking out the CVS Pharmacy website in search of some concealer. There were several pages of products listed, and I was calmly scrolling through them looking for the right sort of thing (you know, something that would cover all the ugly male and show only the beautiful female). Right after “Revlon Blemish Concealer Light/Medium” were listings for “Revlon Blemish Concealer Medium” and “Revlon Blemish Concealer Medium/Deep”. These two products were prominently marked “This item cannot ship by air.” No other products in the list were so marked. So what is in these two items that makes them special? And why isn’t it in the Light/Medium variety? What happens if they go by air? Do they blow up? Are they known to carry dangerous weapons? Perhaps they just have a fear of heights.
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Those of you who have actually read this column obviously have way too much spare time on your hands, and there is serious question about your mental health and your taste in reading material. Nevertheless, I would love to hear from you. Please email me at greercd@hotmail.com. I will also accept written correspondence if it is neatly folded and quietly passed to me in class or during recess. Please note that I will not forward notes to X saying that Y likes her. Put on a sexy dress and tell her yourself.
Future columns may feature selections from the complimentary messages that I receive. Negative or insulting messages will be forwarded to the FBI for analysis and possible identification of the sender as a dangerous menace to the security of the USA.
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